True Peace Is Found When Everything Goes Wrong

Most people think peace is something they'll finally experience once life falls into place.

After they get the job.

After they find the relationship.

After the healing.

After the financial stress eases up.

After the kids are doing okay.

After they finally feel caught up.

I understand why we think that. I've thought about it myself more than once.

We imagine peace as an accomplishment. That it’s waiting for us somewhere on the other side of all the things we're trying to fix, solve, achieve or heal.

But the longer I do this work, the more convinced I become that peace has very little to do with what is happening around us; and everything to do with how we respond when life inevitably knocks us off center.

Because life will knock us off center.

Sometimes it's something big. Sometimes it's something that arrives completely out of nowhere. Sometimes it's a disappointment, a betrayal, a loss, or simply too many things piling up at once.

One minute you're moving through your week feeling grounded and clear.

The next minute you're lying awake at 3:00 in the morning replaying conversations, questioning yourself, trying to figure out what happened, what you should have said, or what comes next.

Before you know it, you're flooded.

Years ago, a client used a phrase that stuck with me. They told me they were feeling "FAF."

Flooded As F***.

Now, you can fill-in-the-blanks for yourself, but I have to admit, it's a pretty accurate description.

When we're flooded, our thoughts start racing. Our nervous system kicks into high gear. We become reactive instead of reflective. Everything feels urgent. Everything feels personal. Everything feels like it needs to be solved immediately.

And when we're in that state, peace can feel very far away.

When You're Flooded

One of the things I've learned over the years is that when we're flooded, thinking harder rarely helps.

Most of us try to think our way back to peace. We analyze. We replay conversations. We try to make sense of everything. We search for certainty. We try to understand.

Meanwhile, our nervous system is screaming for something entirely different.

That's why I often ask clients to stop focusing on the story for a moment and start paying attention to their body.

Can you feel your shoulders?

Your jaw?

Your breathing?

Can you notice whether you're holding tension without even realizing it?

When we're overwhelmed, we often lose touch with what our body is trying to tell us. The body knows long before the mind catches up. Learning to pay attention to those signals is often the first step back toward center.

The Weighted Clown

A previous therapist of mine once shared an image that has stayed with me for years.

He said, "Donna, you're like one of those weighted clown toys."

You probably remember them. You could punch them, push them, knock them almost flat to the ground, and somehow they always found their way back upright.

That image has stayed with me because I think peace is often misunderstood.

We tend to think peace means nothing difficult is happening.

That peace means life is calm, everyone is behaving themselves, our plans are working out, and there are no surprises waiting around the corner.

But that's not real life.

Real life includes unexpected phone calls, disappointments, grief, conflict, uncertainty, and moments that completely catch us off guard.

The weighted clown wasn't peaceful because it never got knocked over.

It was peaceful because it was built to return.

The older I get, the more I think true peace works the same way.

Peace isn't the absence of disruption.

Peace is trusting that even when life knocks you sideways, you'll find your way back.

Where Can You Breathe?

One of my favorite questions to ask clients is simple:

Where can you breathe?

Not where should you feel calm.

Not where does everyone else feel calm.

Where do you feel calm?

For some people, it's sitting near the water.

For others, it's a walk through the woods, a yoga class, time in prayer, gardening, creating something with their hands, or sitting quietly with someone they trust.

I also ask the opposite question.

Where do you feel yourself tighten up?

Where do you feel anxious, guarded, or on edge?

What people, places, and experiences leave you feeling calm, clear, and grounded?

And which ones leave you feeling depleted?

Your body is constantly giving you information.

The more you learn to listen to it, the easier it becomes to recognize what helps you return to yourself.

Peace Is the Return

I've come to believe that one of the greatest acts of self-trust is knowing that even when life surprises you, disappoints you, or turns you upside down, you have the ability to find your footing again.

Not because the situation changed.

Not because all the answers suddenly appeared.

But because you remembered how to come home to yourself.

The goal isn't to never get knocked down.

The goal is to remember that you can get back up.

Maybe not immediately.

Maybe not gracefully.

But eventually.

And sometimes, that is exactly what peace looks like.

Did you resonate with this blog? Connect with me (Donna Marie Marino) today.